Where do self-destructive behaviours come from and how can we stop?

Sometimes, the weight of our problems becomes too much to bear.

When we find ourselves in the pits of despair, fighting our way out can feel insurmountable and our ability to cope plummets.

It’s in these moments when many people resort to self-destruction, sometimes without even realising.

Trigger warning: This article mentions self-harm, disordered eating and addiction

Self-destruction comes in many forms: from relapsing into addiction, self-harm or disordered eating patterns, to not paying your bills, letting self-care slip or pushing away loved ones.

‘Anything that shifts you from your connection to yourself, reality and to people who love you is self-sabotaging behaviour,’ explains Sally Baker, a senior therapist at Working On The Body.

Where does self-sabotage come from?

For Baker, this kind of behaviour almost always stems from unresolved trauma.

It’s important to remember that while, for some people trauma can be monumental, you don’t have to be able to pinpoint an extremely traumatic event to experience it.

As Baker notes: ‘Trauma can stem from incremental abuses against who you are and what you need.

‘If those needs weren’t met while you were growing up, that can have a lasting effect.’

This trauma, no matter the cause, can weigh heavy on our shoulders.

‘When you are coping with unresolved trauma on a daily basis, it’s exhausting,’ says Baker.

‘Sometimes, you’re going to meet times of complete exhaustion that comes with the territory of carrying inside of you emotionally and physically unresolved trauma.’

This can lead to a state of overwhelm and even apathy, and this is where self-destructive behaviours kick in.

‘A byproduct of overwhelm is brain fog, or a loss of clarity,’ explains Baker.

‘When you’re in a state of brain fog, you can’t actually discern what you need to do and when you become apathetic towards your needs, it becomes almost impossible to motivate yourself to reach them.’

One way to explain this is through Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, a famous psychological theory that suggests our actions are motivated by the need to meet certain requirements, or ‘needs’.

These needs are often displayed in a pyramid: At the very bottom of the pyramid are our most basic physiological needs, like food, water, warmth and sleep.

Moving up the hierarchy, our needs become more complex, from safety to love and belonging, to esteem and, finally, self-actualisation.

‘When you’re overwhelmed, and in the face of self-sabotage, all of those top layers of needs disappear,’ says Baker. ‘You’re right at the bedrock.’

Eating, getting the right amount of sleep and generally taking care of those most basic needs, then, can feel almost impossible.

Giving up on self-care, like showering, sleeping and eating, is a very common form of self-destructive behaviour.

It can often be the first sign that you’re sliding into self-sabotage.

This can also be a reflection of low self-esteem: ‘If you don’t value yourself, you’re not loving yourself, or feeling deserving of any level of care, you’re not going to clean your teeth, you’re not going to brush your hair, and you’re not going to shower,’ says Baker.

Other, more extreme forms of self-sabotage, like substance misuse and disordered eating, can be huge red flags and it’s important to be able to recognise when you’re slipping into old habits or forging new ones, something that can be difficult in times of crisis.

How to recognise when you’re becoming self-destructive

Recognising self-destructive behaviours can be difficult, especially when in a state of overwhelm or apathy.

Being clued into your own intuition can be really important in these moments, which is why taking note – mental or otherwise – of how you’re feeling as well as how you’re acting can be vital.

‘The slide down into poor mental health is a slippery, slidey slope,’ says Baker. ‘And it’s really hard to drag yourself back up from the bottom of that slope.

‘So, anything you can do to be the detective of your own psychology will be helpful.’

Maybe you can feel yourself pushing people away, or you’ve noticed that you’ve stopped making time for hobbies and activities that make you feel good.

Catching these things early and opting for alternative coping mechanisms can stop self-destruction in its tracks.

The Timeline Protocol

One preventative method Baker recommends is the ‘timeline protocol’.

Clients are asked to fill out a timeline, from their birth to the present day, with milestones, both from memory and what they’ve been told by family members.

This will usually include things like starting school, changing schools, losing their virginity, leaving home, getting their first job, their first relationship and other key milestones.

‘I ask them what they were doing and how they felt, and they can then use this timeline to pinpoint times where they felt good and times when they were resorting to more self-destructive behaviours,’ explains Baker.

Alternative coping mechanisms for when you’re feeling self-destructive

Breathe

‘Breathing is often the first thing that is affected when we’re feeling down,’ says Baker.

‘Check in with your breathing, rate the depth of your breath on a scale of one to ten, with one being not at all and ten being completely full.

‘Then stand on your front step, or just open a window, and take three breaths of fresh air.

‘This will help you to reset your breathing and have an awareness of what’s happening internally.’

Go outside

‘Going outside is one of the best things that you could do, because you will be making a tiny bit of vitamin D which we all need to protect our mental health,’ says Baker.

‘It takes around 20 minutes for endorphins and serotonin – the ‘feel good’ hormones – to be released by your body, so just try going outside for 20 minutes.

‘If you can get out into nature, that’s even better and, remember, if you need to turn back, just turn back.’

Take care of yourself

‘Self-care is one of the first things to start slipping when we enter self-destructive territory.

‘Find small ways to be kinder to yourself: make yourself a hot drink, wrap yourself up in a blanket, take a shower, and remember other techniques you’ve used in the past to make yourself feel better.’

Use tapping techniques

Another technique Baker suggests is the cross crawling technique.

‘Walking around a room, tap your right hand on your left knee and your left hand on your right knee,’ Baker says.

‘This can break your state, which makes it perfect for breaking out of brain fog.’

Another option, if the thought of getting up is too hard, is to softly tap around the collarbone area.

‘If someone tells you something shocking, you automatically reach for your collarbone area, it’s an auto response.

‘Tap your first softly around your collarbone and acknowledge out loud that you know you aren’t taking care of yourself right now, but you’re doing the best you can.’

To chat about mental health in an open, non-judgmental space, join our Mentally Yours Facebook group.

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