If you subscribe to attachment theory, as a great many do, then you’ll know attachment styles are famously brought up in the context of romantic relationships.

But there are other vital relationships in our lives that they can apply to, and they’re just as worthy of this kind of introspection.

Attachment theory was first conceived of by John Bowlby, who was a noted psychologist, psychiatrist, and psychoanalyst, in the mid-20th century,

It operates on the idea that our attachment styles dictate how we relate to people, and that they’re formed in childhood thanks to the ways we were cared for by our parents and guardians.

Counselling Directory member Laura Colquhoun says the four main attachment styles are:

• Secure
• Ambivalent
• Disorganised
• Avoidant

This theory was later applied to adult relationships by psychologists Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver. In Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment And How It Can Help You Find – And Keep – Love by Dr. Amir Levine and therapist Rachel Heller, a popular book about relationships and attachment theory, the three main styles they identify are:

• Secure – This is the one we’re aiming for. Securely attached people are comfortable and competent in intimate situations.
• Anxious – These worriers stress easily about the possibility of abandonment and can at times come across as needy.
• Avoidant – Pretty much the opposite of anxiously attached people, avoidants fear letting people get too close.

Laura says: ‘This unconscious programming will affect all our relationships whether we feel secure or insecure in them.’

When it comes to friendships, Laura says that, while it’s possible for some to have a different attachment style for romantic relationships than they do for their platonic friendships, in most cases our styles will be the same across the board.

‘We are all individuals,’ she explains, ‘and it is possible for attachment styles to evolve and change as we grow and develop into adulthood. Positive relationships will enforce secure attachment styles whereas negative ones will reinforce the less healthy styles.

‘It might also be that we have worked on our negative attachment style with a therapist. However, in my experience as a psychotherapist, our attachment style tends to be the same or at least very similar with anyone who gets close to us.

‘If we care about this person, platonically or romantically, there is every chance we will have the same response.’

It’s also not unusual for people to regard the loss of their friendships as just as, if not more serious than the loss of a romantic relationship.

Laura says: ‘I have had several women who have started therapy after falling out with their “best friends”, many of these women have described the loss of the person feeling like a romantic break up with the grief being equal to or not more than the loss of a partner.  

‘Sometimes our friendships might last longer than our romantic relationships and a close friend may have stood by your side through the most difficult times of your life. The loss of a close friend like this can have a huge emotional impact and cause a deep feeling of loss and pain.

‘It is also highly likely that as well as all the good stuff we bring to any relationship we will bring all the bad stuff too, it is possible if we fear abandonment, for instance, we may well fear that from a partner or a friend.’

So how can we work to make our attachment styles more functional for our friendships?

It’s a simple but definitely not easy answer – Laura said we need to put work into it.

‘”All you need is love” is not always the case,’ she goes on. ‘You also need; patience, understanding, empathy, respect, honesty, and above all else good communication.

‘People often talk about relationships like plants, they need nurturing, watering and feeding. This is true of romantic or platonic relationships, of course, every plant has different needs, so it’s important to listen to your friend and then communicate effectively with each other to find healthy ways to meet each other’s needs.’

As an example, Laura says one of the main ’causes of friction’ between pals often comes down to not understanding each other’s boundaries.

‘So again, communicate with each other,’ she explains, ‘listen to each other and show each other respect for what you are both able to bring to the relationship.

‘Remember your needs and your ability to give; time, space, energy, love etc might be different to your friend’s, establish what each other’s limits are and respect that.

‘Good friendships should be able to weather difficult storms as well as the good times, you should be able to support each other when needed, forgive each other when it’s needed and be as honest as possible, even if it might cause pain.

‘And finally ditch any judgement and try to keep your friend’s counsel always, gossip can really destroy any relationship.’

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